Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Bad Advice


Wait, just wait.
Let the moment pass you by.
It won't come again so you 
Won't ever have to worry,
And you'll never have to try.

Wait, just wait.
She's prob'ly not the one for you.
Nothing you can do or say
Will change her mind, or yours.  There's
Nothing, really, you can do.

Wait, just wait.
Another one will soon come by.
Will she be just like this one?
Or better?  Or not as good?
You won't know 'til you don't try.

Wait, just wait.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Best Gift of All


Ok, you got me, yes, I lied
But something down there, deep inside,
Tucked behind my left aorta
Kinda told me that I orta
Maybe, somehow let you know, 
Even if you told  me so,
Now don't go left this go too far,
I somehow, sorta, crashed your car.

Merry Christmas?

On Contributing to a Poetry Blog While Visiting the Family Over Christmas Vacation


Draft a poem?  I think not.
I'd rather slap a tiny tot
Than waste my time on all this rot.
(Afraid that's all the time I've got).

Friday, December 19, 2008


a pelt

soft
warm
red
fuzzy
muppet fur

i skinned elmo

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The World Means Nothing


The sky is blue.
That's true.
So what?

Mother #2


For the briefest of moments,
She said
Nothing, so stealthily
As to catch him at unawares.
Just before
He elbowed her in the face.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


The best job
If you think about it
Is to sell faulty pitch forks, torches, and lynching rope

Cuz, see, you wouldn't have much to fear
From a mob that formed because of your crappy products


It never ceases to amaze me
Those stories you hear
About a ninety pound woman
Who sees her child trapped under a combine
And with a sudden burst of adreneline
Punches the combine driver in the face


Jackson laughed
As the kangeroo
The toupee stapled to its head
Plummetted into the gorge

From there things went pretty much as you'd expect

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


As the hammer slammed onto Daddy's thumb
he said many words the children had not heard before

including "perspicacious" and "svelte"

it was a bizarre family tradition

Suspicion


As we ate our pork dinner
I noticed for the first time that he wore no yarmulke
And that was when I began to suspect
that the man with the swastika tattoo
was no rabbi

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Musings on Shampoo


Anti-Fungicidal would be a frightening word
Were not the picture of a mushroom-killer so absurd.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Mother #4


Hearing the words
She said,
Did little to assuage
The pain
Of the Spanking
He was sure soon followed.

Albatross


On the wind,
Like the wind,
Winding down, down
Down to the depths of hell itself.
Where there is no wind,
There is no albatross,
There is nothing,
Not even an albatross.

A Question


I told Sister Marriglot
But not Sister Plyser
So the question that I got
Which one's nun the wiser?

A Tragedy Averted


Little Timmy's mommy
seeing him playing with his father's gun
which might very well be loaded
reacted like any good mother
and shot it out of his hand

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Space Robbery (i.e. the greatest poem ever written)


Oh astronaut, oh astronaut
Gimme all the cash ya got

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Lament of a Stooge


Lo, his fingers pierced my eyes
But vengeance soon was nigh
I struck him full across the face
"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck," quoth I

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Heroism


Richard, not Lionheart, knight of the realm,
Bethrothed to the daughter of Luthur of Elm,
Son of his highness, MacArthur DuPree,
(In likeness of General Robert E. Lee)
First knight to Duke di la Havilad Schmidt,
Rode on his horse in the war and was hit
With an arrow.

Poetry in motion



Mother #5


"I do not care what
She said."
He said with diction
So clear as to make a mother proud.
Though, apparently,
He did not care.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Mother #1


"Jimmy doesn't hate you,"
She said,
Soothingly,
Removing ginger glass fragments
From his left shoulder.
"He's just a racist."

11th Hour


I cannot do this;
Force a poem,
A metaphorical gun to the forehead of my mind.
I need patience now.
I love the jerk.

It makes sense
Like referring to the greatest hits
Of Blondie,
The Brunettes,
Or Janet Jackson.

And this is what you get.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Poem for Kyla


Dedicated to a dear lady friend of mine who is soon to spend her third anniversery in a row impregnated.

My friend Ben has got a wife
Hers can't be an easy life
She cleans his house and cooks his dinner
But he keeps putting babies in her