If wishes
Were dishes
Id have quite a stack
If wishes
Were fishes
Id throw em all back

Jon Crum and the Mermaid

With a hearty bellow
From his mighty throat
Jon heaved up the anchor
And set out in his boat

He sailed for the pole
Much like Admiral Byrd
Though everybody laughed
And said he was absurd

But somewhere near Gibralter
(For there he ended near)
He finished off the thousandth
Bottle of his beer

When he saw a mermaid
With great beauty blessed
And a bra of seashell
Covering her breast*

"Coupe de foudre!" quoth Jon
"This is my lucky day!
I do love this mermaid
Though it is risque

"Now there's knots," continued Jon
"In my digestive juice
But her I cannot marry
For we could not reproduce"

When suddenly he noticed
A mermaid was she not!
But some Gibraltan girl
Who'd fallen off a yacht

And so they soon were married
Jon and Geraldine
But had to flee Gibralter
Since shes still seventeen

*In case you were wondering, she had two breasts. She wasn't some kind of freak. Jon's not gonna marry a one breasted girl, okay? Gimme a little poetic license here to make good rhymes and stuff, Buddy.

A poem for my mother

I coulda sent some chocolate
Perhaps a nice bouquet
I coulda sent some stupid card
Nah thats too cliché
But what the heck am I to do
To member Mothers day?
Should I post a letter?
Or some communiqué?
I guess I failed miserably
But you'll love me anyway
So an ode to mothers
Who see life through a prism
Theyd love their rotten children
If we practiced cannibalism
Heres your poem, Dear Mother
I love you quite a lot
But not enough, apparently
To give it too much thought
Because as you can plainly see
This is all ya freakin got

On sleeping way too late for the third day in a row

Six in the morning

Overly ambitious

Six forty-five

Breakfast sounds delicious

Half past seven

Sunshine bright and stinging

eight on the nose

My alarm clock ringing

Three minutes later

Roommate up and fussing

Three minutes later

He resorts to cussing

Nine o'four

Ignore a call from work

Nine o'five

Boss thinks I'm a jerk

Ten 'til ten

I'll be late for class

Ten past ten

Such a lazy ass.

At eleven

I am fast asleep

Just past twelve

In a sickly heap

Twelve o'one

Now my back is sore

Twelve o'two

Can't take any more

Twelve o'three

What an awful pain

Twelve o'four

Won't do that again.

Responses

General Grant, Generally Growls, at Gracious Greetings

while

Lee, Longingly Laments, over Long Love Letters

Noah Webster

Poenology, in Webster's wisdom

Unlike, as a corn kernel in a pea pod,

The failed attempts of a poetaster,

Rubs his shoulders,

Nonchalantly,

With poems and poesies.

The brash prose of legality

Slinking his misspelled way between

Siamese twins.

As though brother Daniel's profession

was somehow worthwhile.

If poetry is.

On Falling Headfirst Into Hogfat

I smell
I fell
In vat
Of fat
Splat

Hogfat or meteor shower
I never gain no superpower

Life is awful and I hate everybody.

Fastfood Superslave

Wanna die slow?
Just quickly go
To Mickey Ds
Get extra cheese
You're a fastfood superslave
From McCradle to McGrave

Lee's Sonnett

Kind sir, at first a statement I shall make
This is the truth, cannot my hand thus lie
So if you think this verse to hold some fake
Your quest shall halt, will cease, must end, shall die.

Lee, I am, the second son of a man
Upon my father too, this same old fate
He taught me, "Boy do this all if you can,
To live in truth, humbleness, never hate."

"Run from the deceit of this world," he'd say
"Stand firm in the path of tyranny and evil men,
But, if you come to Virginia's dark day,
Don't just stand, fight back with strong fists, fierce wrath."

Slaves should be free I'll make it known
The North it's government can keep
Lincoln can have the cold and snow
Virginia's innocence never reap

In the end broken now, I am
She has been torn, never to mend

Limerick #2

A Limerick written to rhyme

Would not take too much of my time

I could do it right now

And you'd say "Holy cow!"

But I don't subscribe to your religion.

The Storm

Lee stood on a hill, determination in his stare.
Grant stood on the opposite hill, holding a chew of tobacco and a pear.
Devilish clouds formed but, no rain would quench their thirst.
Battle would be done, "The day of reckoning's today," Lee cursed.
Lee drew his sword, from the sheath on his hip.
Grant finished his pear and placed the chew in his lip.
A storm was breaking from the sky so dark.
The men met in the field and Grant swung at his mark.
But all of a sudden there on the ground,
Lay four cats and twelve dogs quickly forming a mound.
Then another fell to Lee's left and five more to his right,
Three cats landed on Grant and Lee was lost to his sight.
They would have continued the battle, I would like to say,
But the storm brought cats and dogs instead of rain that day.

On Hitting the Big Time and Celebrating by Diving Head First into a Swimming Pool Full of Money

Oh the pain
Oh the pain
I didn't think this through at all
I think I severed my thighbone
And there's a Sacagawea dollar jammed up my left nostril
What a dumb idea

Life

Introducing Couple A,

He laughs at what she has to say.

Probably going to stay that way.

Even when they're old and gray.

Couple B are going to get

Married, and you want to bet

Soon they will adopt a pet.

Do not mention aging yet.

Valentine's and Mister A.

Can't quite commit, so much to pay.

But he gets it anyway.

Chocolates and a nice bouquet.

Mister B. is going to get her

Hat and scarf and matching sweater

Just like his (that would be better).

With a "B", their favorite letter.

Couple A, years down the road

Mister's back is somewhat bowed

'Til he sees how her eyes glowed

He'll love her always, now he knowed.

Yesterday found couple B

On their anniversary

Sharing mugs of herbal tea.

In some lawn chairs by the sea.

Missus A is older now

With eight children (and a cow)

She'd live it all again and how.

No time to think, must cook the chow.

Couple B are older too

Shopping at (where else) J. Crew

Waiting in a younger queue.

Wishing they were younger too.

Couple A know how to age

Write your life and turn the page

Growing old means growing sage

B's think retirement's a cage.

Who are you, a B, an A

Think life's better lived that way

What would these two couples say

If they both had one more day?

Wanted

i want you to curve the bullet
i think hes ready
six weeks ago I was just like you
until i met Her
ahhhhh
kill one
save a thousand
thats what We believe in
thats why We do it

We are a fraternity of assassins
The weapons of fate
Take control of your own destiny
Join us

wanted
rated r

How The Mighty Have Fallen

The limp wrist, The blue eyes,
The tight jeans.
The crazy hairstyle
So striking.


The soft voice,
The crossed legs,
The girl's shoes.
More like the Irish
Than Viking.