A GHOST!

Jon Crum (with his spouse)
Entered the house
His spouse
Wore a blouse

They were married anew
But his spouse was blue
Because she had the flue
And Jon was untrue,

When he had said
He had a tulip bed
(This he said
Before they wed)

"Fix me some toast!"
Said Jon. "Or a roast.
When suddenly, they were attacked by a lemur!
Jon killed the lemur with a stick from his compast heap!
"Scratch one lemur!" Jon said.
But his wife sobbed
Because she liked lemurs.

"Clean the lemur blood!" Jon chanted
And then everybody from the whole neighborhood came into the house
And they all chanted "Clean the lemur blood! Clean the lemur blood!"
And soon they had formed a mob, and raised the dead lemur up on a staff
And set it alight
And it burned in the night sky
And Jon's wife sobbed for her lost innocence
And she finally made Jon his toast
But they set that on fire, too.
And several drunk people began to dance the Macarena
Until Jon's collection of glass unicorns caught fire
And then the party kind of broke up.

But the lemur came back from the dead
It was . . .
A GHOST!

a poem about love (with notes)

you loved me
we loved each other
but now you are dead

Notes: This was a poem of some type about love. You can tell because the first two lines use the word "love" and also "loved". The poem is probably about a girl, although it could also be about a dog or cat, or something else that dies, since that is the thing that happens at the end (death). It could be about a fish. They often die. However, it is probably not about a fish. The poem is short, consisting of only three lines. This would lead us to believe maybe the poem IS about a fish, since why would the author write more than three lines about a fish? If it was about a girl or child or dog or cat or horse it might be longer, but it is clearly about a fish. So really the object of the poem is to ask whether a fish can feel love. The answer is yes. It is sad when a fish loves someone and then dies. This is the emotion that the poem captured. The sad emotion of a dead fish. Although a closer reading of the poem will reveal that the poem is not per se about the emotions of the dead fish, but about the one who loved the dead fish. Why would somebody love a dead fish? This is what is called "poetic license" which is when the author makes us believe stuff that clearly is not true. Another example of poetic license in a poem about fish is in Dr. Suess's poem "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" because what are the odds that there would be exactly two fish - one blue and one red? Dr. Suess clearly did not know how to write a poem about a fish in the same manner as the author of the present fish poem. In conclusion, love is an emotion we do not often attribute to fish. But this poem makes us do that. That is why the emotional effect is so devastating, and also why the poem should not be read to small children or teenagers or old people or women.

Limited Options

My options are limited marriage-wise
However many fish in the pond
The only girls who like me
Are rich and gorgeous and blonde

I'd like to go out with some girl
Who's homely and comes from a farm
Unfortunately ugly-type woman
Are completely immune to my charm

So don't consider me shallow
If the only fish I can hook
Is some splendiforous beauty
Who likes to clean and cook

I've tried to find something that doesn't
Look great in a cocktail dress
But ugly people just don't like me
So I'll have to settle for less

MR. CAT

Here comes Mr. Cat
How about that?
Mr. Cat
Mr. Cat
Mr. Cat

THE END.

Think about it

The 700 billion dollars
That we spent on the Iraq War
Could have been used to feed hungry children
Although dollar bills are pretty hard to chew and digest
And not too nourishing for children
Maybe it would be better to find them some food or something

a poem to teach children about racism (the cons of racism)

once upon a time
some mean frogs
went into the land of toads
and captured a bunch of toads
and made them slaves in frogland
even though some frogs were against it
and eventually the northern frogs and southern frogs fought a bloody civil war
to end toad slavery
although some frogs said it was about states rights
but some jerky frogs hate toads to this day
martin luther toad jr. helped with civil rights, etc.
and finally a toad got elected president
and passed national health care and stuff
so that was pretty good if you were a fan of national health care
toad history month was kind of annoying though
also women's history month
the end

A Moral Fable

A miser went to count
The piles of money he had
Whereupon his waistcoat caught fire
And the fire was quite bad.

Through a window, his neighbors saw him
Said husband to his wife
"What good will Old Jed's money do now?
At the end of his miserable life."

Meanwhile, Jed used dollar bills and gold pieces
To smother the raging flame
And had the neighbor and his wife
Horsewhipped

Marital Bliss

To ensure your wife loves only you
Woo her everyday
With a box of chocolates
And a nice bouquet

She'll never ever leave you
No matter how irrate
Immobilzed with flower allergies
And all the added weight.

You Broke My Heart, Mr. Jerkface

You broke my heart, Mister Jerkface
When you stole my girlfriend.
I won't punch you.
I won't punch you.
I'll just hold my fist in midair and hope your face rams into it.

Happy Birthday Fail

Oh boy oh boy oh boy
Everyone's gonna sing Happy Birthday
When Jones comes in the office

I will use my natural tenor-voice
To sing harmony instead of melody
Which will add greatly to the levity of the occassion

Here he comes
We're starting to sing
Here it goes - I'm going to harmonize!

Uh-oh, it's not working for some reason
I thought I could ad-lib a harmony line
But I think I'm in the wrong key

Oh why did I start so loud
Now I have to keep singing this loud
Maybe I can pass it off like I'm singing bad on purpose

No, it's not working, nobody's smiling
Here comes the big finish
Maybe I can just slide into the melody line on "to yoooooou"

It's not working, oh it's not working
Why did I ever try to harmonize on happy birthday
Oh disgrace, failure, despair.
Rats!

Tanning Saloons

If tanning salons
Were tanning saloons
Where you could drink and smoke
There'd be one less
Pale white chest
Amoung us male folk

Indiana Broccoli

Nobody knows where he staggered to,

The Pelican King.

We tried the Circumvent,

The Fast-Drill Button,

The Carwash.

My nostrils were not very happy,

My head full of snakes.

The Carwash was not filthy,

But the odious rotten thing was dead.

Something lay face down,

Maybe dead fields.

He must have been drunk after the tired Carwash,

The Pelican King buckled the water table

After too much Indiana broccoli

And the Q-tip bottle of beer

That slipped off without hesitance.

So I retrace

Curling the Fast-Drill Button,

The Circumvent.

Nobody knows where he staggered to.

Riddle (6)

Good sombrero
Sombrero that helped the poor and needy
Humble sombrero
What am I?





Answer: Mother Teresa's sombrero

Riddle (5)

A sombrero of hate
Evil wicked, destructive, bad sombrero
What am I?




Answer: Hitler's sombrero

Riddle (4)

I am tall, gaunt, and cadaverous
I have a patchy beard
One day I hope to lead a nation into greatness
But unfortunately maybe after that somebody will shoot me in the back of the head
Who knows, maybe I'll get my face on the penny or the five dollar bill.
Also, I am wearing a sombrero
Who am I?




Answer: Jon Crum in a sombrero