Bad Advice

Wait, just wait.

Let the moment pass you by.

It won't come again so you 

Won't ever have to worry,

And you'll never have to try.

Wait, just wait.

She's prob'ly not the one for you.

Nothing you can do or say

Will change her mind, or yours.  There's

Nothing, really, you can do.

Wait, just wait.

Another one will soon come by.

Will she be just like this one?

Or better?  Or not as good?

You won't know 'til you don't try.

Wait, just wait.

The Best Gift of All

Ok, you got me, yes, I lied

But something down there, deep inside,

Tucked behind my left aorta

Kinda told me that I orta

Maybe, somehow let you know, 

Even if you told  me so,

Now don't go left this go too far,

I somehow, sorta, crashed your car.

Merry Christmas?

On Contributing to a Poetry Blog While Visiting the Family Over Christmas Vacation

Draft a poem?  I think not.

I'd rather slap a tiny tot

Than waste my time on all this rot.

(Afraid that's all the time I've got).

a pelt

soft
warm
red
fuzzy
muppet fur

i skinned elmo

The World Means Nothing

The sky is blue.

That's true.

So what?

Mother #2

For the briefest of moments,

She said

Nothing, so stealthily

As to catch him at unawares.

Just before

He elbowed her in the face.

The best job
If you think about it
Is to sell faulty pitch forks, torches, and lynching rope

Cuz, see, you wouldn't have much to fear
From a mob that formed because of your crappy products

It never ceases to amaze me
Those stories you hear
About a ninety pound woman
Who sees her child trapped under a combine
And with a sudden burst of adreneline
Punches the combine driver in the face

Jackson laughed
As the kangeroo
The toupee stapled to its head
Plummetted into the gorge

From there things went pretty much as you'd expect

As the hammer slammed onto Daddy's thumb
he said many words the children had not heard before

including "perspicacious" and "svelte"

it was a bizarre family tradition

Suspicion

As we ate our pork dinner
I noticed for the first time that he wore no yarmulke
And that was when I began to suspect
that the man with the swastika tattoo
was no rabbi

Musings on Shampoo

Anti-Fungicidal would be a frightening word

Were not the picture of a mushroom-killer so absurd.

Mother #4

Hearing the words

She said,

Did little to assuage

The pain

Of the Spanking

He was sure soon followed.

Albatross

On the wind,
Like the wind,
Winding down, down
Down to the depths of hell itself.
Where there is no wind,
There is no albatross,
There is nothing,

Not even an albatross.

A Question

I told Sister Marriglot
But not Sister Plyser
So the question that I got
Which one's nun the wiser?

A Tragedy Averted

Little Timmy's mommy
seeing him playing with his father's gun
which might very well be loaded
reacted like any good mother
and shot it out of his hand

Space Robbery (i.e. the greatest poem ever written)

Oh astronaut, oh astronaut
Gimme all the cash ya got

Lament of a Stooge

Lo, his fingers pierced my eyes
But vengeance soon was nigh
I struck him full across the face
"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck," quoth I

Heroism

Richard, not Lionheart, knight of the realm,

Bethrothed to the daughter of Luthur of Elm,

Son of his highness, MacArthur DuPree,

(In likeness of General Robert E. Lee)

First knight to Duke di la Havilad Schmidt,

Rode on his horse in the war and was hit

With an arrow.

Poetry in motion

Mother #5

"I do not care what

She said."

He said with diction

So clear as to make a mother proud.

Though, apparently,

He did not care.

Mother #1

"Jimmy doesn't hate you,"

She said,

Soothingly,

Removing ginger glass fragments

From his left shoulder.

"He's just a racist."

11th Hour

I cannot do this;

Force a poem,

A metaphorical gun to the forehead of my mind.

I need patience now.

I love the jerk.

It makes sense

Like referring to the greatest hits

Of Blondie,

The Brunettes,

Or Janet Jackson.

And this is what you get.

Poem for Kyla

Dedicated to a dear lady friend of mine who is soon to spend her third anniversery in a row impregnated.

My friend Ben has got a wife
Hers can't be an easy life
She cleans his house and cooks his dinner
But he keeps putting babies in her