Jon Crum and the Mermaid

With a hearty bellow
From his mighty throat
Jon heaved up the anchor
And set out in his boat

He sailed for the pole
Much like Admiral Byrd
Though everybody laughed
And said he was absurd

But somewhere near Gibralter
(For there he ended near)
He finished off the thousandth
Bottle of his beer

When he saw a mermaid
With great beauty blessed
And a bra of seashell
Covering her breast*

"Coupe de foudre!" quoth Jon
"This is my lucky day!
I do love this mermaid
Though it is risque

"Now there's knots," continued Jon
"In my digestive juice
But her I cannot marry
For we could not reproduce"

When suddenly he noticed
A mermaid was she not!
But some Gibraltan girl
Who'd fallen off a yacht

And so they soon were married
Jon and Geraldine
But had to flee Gibralter
Since shes still seventeen

*In case you were wondering, she had two breasts. She wasn't some kind of freak. Jon's not gonna marry a one breasted girl, okay? Gimme a little poetic license here to make good rhymes and stuff, Buddy.

A poem for my mother

I coulda sent some chocolate
Perhaps a nice bouquet
I coulda sent some stupid card
Nah thats too cliché
But what the heck am I to do
To member Mothers day?
Should I post a letter?
Or some communiqué?
I guess I failed miserably
But you'll love me anyway
So an ode to mothers
Who see life through a prism
Theyd love their rotten children
If we practiced cannibalism
Heres your poem, Dear Mother
I love you quite a lot
But not enough, apparently
To give it too much thought
Because as you can plainly see
This is all ya freakin got

On sleeping way too late for the third day in a row

Six in the morning

Overly ambitious

Six forty-five

Breakfast sounds delicious

Half past seven

Sunshine bright and stinging

eight on the nose

My alarm clock ringing

Three minutes later

Roommate up and fussing

Three minutes later

He resorts to cussing

Nine o'four

Ignore a call from work

Nine o'five

Boss thinks I'm a jerk

Ten 'til ten

I'll be late for class

Ten past ten

Such a lazy ass.

At eleven

I am fast asleep

Just past twelve

In a sickly heap

Twelve o'one

Now my back is sore

Twelve o'two

Can't take any more

Twelve o'three

What an awful pain

Twelve o'four

Won't do that again.