MR. CAT

Here comes Mr. Cat
How about that?
Mr. Cat
Mr. Cat
Mr. Cat

THE END.

Think about it

The 700 billion dollars
That we spent on the Iraq War
Could have been used to feed hungry children
Although dollar bills are pretty hard to chew and digest
And not too nourishing for children
Maybe it would be better to find them some food or something

a poem to teach children about racism (the cons of racism)

once upon a time
some mean frogs
went into the land of toads
and captured a bunch of toads
and made them slaves in frogland
even though some frogs were against it
and eventually the northern frogs and southern frogs fought a bloody civil war
to end toad slavery
although some frogs said it was about states rights
but some jerky frogs hate toads to this day
martin luther toad jr. helped with civil rights, etc.
and finally a toad got elected president
and passed national health care and stuff
so that was pretty good if you were a fan of national health care
toad history month was kind of annoying though
also women's history month
the end

A Moral Fable

A miser went to count
The piles of money he had
Whereupon his waistcoat caught fire
And the fire was quite bad.

Through a window, his neighbors saw him
Said husband to his wife
"What good will Old Jed's money do now?
At the end of his miserable life."

Meanwhile, Jed used dollar bills and gold pieces
To smother the raging flame
And had the neighbor and his wife
Horsewhipped

Marital Bliss

To ensure your wife loves only you
Woo her everyday
With a box of chocolates
And a nice bouquet

She'll never ever leave you
No matter how irrate
Immobilzed with flower allergies
And all the added weight.

You Broke My Heart, Mr. Jerkface

You broke my heart, Mister Jerkface
When you stole my girlfriend.
I won't punch you.
I won't punch you.
I'll just hold my fist in midair and hope your face rams into it.

Happy Birthday Fail

Oh boy oh boy oh boy
Everyone's gonna sing Happy Birthday
When Jones comes in the office

I will use my natural tenor-voice
To sing harmony instead of melody
Which will add greatly to the levity of the occassion

Here he comes
We're starting to sing
Here it goes - I'm going to harmonize!

Uh-oh, it's not working for some reason
I thought I could ad-lib a harmony line
But I think I'm in the wrong key

Oh why did I start so loud
Now I have to keep singing this loud
Maybe I can pass it off like I'm singing bad on purpose

No, it's not working, nobody's smiling
Here comes the big finish
Maybe I can just slide into the melody line on "to yoooooou"

It's not working, oh it's not working
Why did I ever try to harmonize on happy birthday
Oh disgrace, failure, despair.
Rats!

Tanning Saloons

If tanning salons
Were tanning saloons
Where you could drink and smoke
There'd be one less
Pale white chest
Amoung us male folk

Indiana Broccoli

Nobody knows where he staggered to,

The Pelican King.

We tried the Circumvent,

The Fast-Drill Button,

The Carwash.

My nostrils were not very happy,

My head full of snakes.

The Carwash was not filthy,

But the odious rotten thing was dead.

Something lay face down,

Maybe dead fields.

He must have been drunk after the tired Carwash,

The Pelican King buckled the water table

After too much Indiana broccoli

And the Q-tip bottle of beer

That slipped off without hesitance.

So I retrace

Curling the Fast-Drill Button,

The Circumvent.

Nobody knows where he staggered to.

Riddle (6)

Good sombrero
Sombrero that helped the poor and needy
Humble sombrero
What am I?





Answer: Mother Teresa's sombrero

Riddle (5)

A sombrero of hate
Evil wicked, destructive, bad sombrero
What am I?




Answer: Hitler's sombrero

Riddle (4)

I am tall, gaunt, and cadaverous
I have a patchy beard
One day I hope to lead a nation into greatness
But unfortunately maybe after that somebody will shoot me in the back of the head
Who knows, maybe I'll get my face on the penny or the five dollar bill.
Also, I am wearing a sombrero
Who am I?




Answer: Jon Crum in a sombrero

Riddle (3)

I am here to reap your soul
You can see the blank face of death
Beneath the shadow of my sombrero
Who am I?





Answer: The Grim Reaper in a sombrero

Riddle (2)

I stand heroicly
Betwixt the banks of the Deleware
The wind and the waves batter my sombrero
Who am I?




Answer: George Washington in a sombrero.

Riddle (1)

I am shaped like a sombrero
I fly through the air
Abducting people
And destroying entire planets
What am I?



Answer: a giant intergalactic sombrero

Donuts

Am I the only one who thinks
We as Americans
Are underachieving
In the field of donuts?

I used to see
A small family-run pastry business
At every corner
On every street in America

These artisans allured our senses
Aroused our inner glutton
With crullers and fritters
And rings of perfection
Wrought from formless dough by the manly hands of the cook
And glazed with sweet frosting by the delicate touch of his wife
There were enticements to conquer all restraint

But then came the robber barons
Dunkin' Donuts
So stingy as not to spring for a "g" in their name
And Krispy Kream
I can think of only one organization more liberal in its use of the letter K

Watch their crass mechanical process
As jelly donuts go down the assembly line
As yet bereft of jelly
And the great robotic jelly-injection apparatus lowers
And impregnates each one with jelly
Not with tender caress
But as a bull impregnates his bovine mate

Oh Krispy Kream
Your donuts are like reincarnation
A perfect, unending circle.
Also, impossible to swallow.

Oh for the true pastry chef to arise
To drown them all in vats of their own frosting
To topple the sprinkler's table
And create true donuts again.

Failure

Failure
Failure
You're a miserable failure
Nobody wants you around
You should bury your head in the ground
You should probably lodge
In a gas-filled garage
And expire with nary a sound

Failure
Failure
You're such a miserable failure
Your mother I'm sure was quite sad
Regarding the infant she had
And quickly of course
She pursued a divorce
With the man that you never called Dad

Failure
Failure
You're a miserable, horrible failure
You stare at the unringing phone
Your lips open up in a moan
You collapse in despair
For now you're aware
That you're utterly always alone